Romantic Orientation Explained: Biromantic, Panromantic and More

Romantic orientation is the pattern of who you are drawn to romantically: who you want to date, fall for, or share a life with. It sits beside sexual orientation, which covers who you are drawn to sexually. The UNC-Chapel Hill LGBTQ Center describes it as your pattern of romantic attraction by gender, whatever your sexual orientation is.

For plenty of people the two line up, so one word does the job. For others they point in different directions. That is where words like biromantic asexual, panromantic demisexual or aromantic come in.

This guide covers the split attraction model and the arguments about it, a table of the main labels, and real combinations. It ends with how to tell a romantic pull from a platonic one, and how to question without rushing.

Romantic attraction, sexual attraction and the word affectional orientation

A plain romantic attraction definition

Put simply, romantic attraction is the pull that makes you want romantic contact or a romantic relationship with a particular person. In daily life it can look like hoping someone asks you out, imagining a future with them, or caring a great deal about whether they choose you over everyone else.

Sexual attraction is a separate pull toward sexual contact. For people who feel sexual attraction, the two usually aim at the same genders, so their romantic and sexual orientations match. People assume it always works that way. Dictionary.com points out that this assumption is common, and that it breaks down for many people.

The split is easiest to see in asexual people, who feel little or no sexual attraction. Many of them still want to date, fall in love and partner up. Their romantic orientation tells you who that romance is with.

Affectional orientation and romance orientation as older names

The idea has had several names. Dictionary.com dates the term affectional orientation to 1965-70. It defines it as a preference for a romantic partner of a certain gender, or no gender preference at all. The word “affectional” moves the focus from sex toward closeness and care.

AUREA, an aromantic advocacy group, says affectional orientation came into wider use about ten years after 1979. It was used, like romantic orientation today, to keep sexual love and romantic love apart. You may also see “romance orientation” in casual writing. It means the same thing, though it is less common.

The split attraction model: where it came from, why it helps, and its critics

The split attraction model, often shortened to SAM, is the idea that romantic and sexual attraction can point in different directions. Someone can then name each one separately. It is the reason a label like biromantic asexual makes sense at all.

An idea older than its name

The thinking behind it goes back a long way. AUREA traces it to Karl Heinrich Ulrichs, who in 1879 described a man we might now call homoromantic heterosexual. In 1979, Dorothy Tennov used “limerence” for romantic love that need not include sexual love.

The modern vocabulary grew online. AUREA reports that an AVEN forum thread in late 2003 began pairing an orientation with a type of attraction. By 2005, aromanticism was being discussed there as well. The community blogger Coyote dates “romantic orientation” in ace spaces to around 2005.

The phrase “split attraction model” is harder to pin down, and sources disagree. One community history says 2005 brought the model into the spotlight. AUREA and Coyote could find the exact phrase no earlier than 2015. Coyote adds that those early uses came from people outside the ace community who were criticising it. A fair reading: the idea was in use by 2005, and the name came about a decade later.

Why ace and aro people use it

For an asexual person, “asexual” alone says little about the relationships they want. Adding a romantic label fills that gap. The Trevor Project notes that because the two kinds of attraction are separate, many asexual people still seek romance and partnership.

The same tool works in reverse for aromantic people who do feel sexual attraction. “Aromantic pansexual” tells others that sex may be on the table while romance is not. In both cases, two words save a long explanation.

Criticism from inside and outside ace communities

The model has critics. Some of them are aces themselves. AUREA lists two opposite complaints. Some find it too rigid, because a neat split leaves no grey area between attractions. Others find it too blunt, since it is often reduced to romantic versus sexual alone.

ChoosingTherapy adds that some people find any labels restricting, while others think the model overcomplicates things. Coyote raises a different point: romantic orientation and the SAM are not the same thing. A person can use a romantic label without signing up to any model.

AUREA’s own view is practical. It calls the SAM a tool, and says it is fine to set it down if it starts to feel like a burden.

A table of romantic orientations and what each one means

Most romantic labels answer one of two questions. Some say which genders the attraction points toward. Others say how often it shows up, or what has to happen first. Most meanings below follow the glossary from the UNC-Chapel Hill LGBTQ Center. The biromantic row uses WebMD’s wider wording instead, as the next section explains.

The last two can stack with the gender labels. UNC gives “demi-homoromantic” as an example: attraction only after a bond, and only toward the same gender. Grey-romantic is also spelled gray-romantic or grayromantic. All three spellings mean the same thing.

Aromantic gets a single row here, but it is a spectrum of its own. The Trevor Project stresses that being asexual does not make someone aromantic. Some people are both, and some are one without the other.

Where biromantic and panromantic overlap

Sources do not word biromantic the same way. UNC’s glossary says romantic attraction toward males and females. WebMD describes attraction to two or more genders, but not necessarily all of them. The table uses the wider wording because it leaves room for nonbinary people, but both versions are in use.

WebMD draws the line like this. For a biromantic person, gender still plays some part in who they fall for. A panromantic person may feel drawn to someone regardless of gender.

Day to day, many people pick between the two by feel, or by which word their friends use. Picture two hypothetical friends who both fall for men, women and nonbinary people. One says biromantic because it was the first word they found, while the other says panromantic because gender rarely crosses their mind. Neither of them is wrong.

How romantic and sexual orientations combine

Many people describe themselves with two words: a romantic label and a sexual one. The Trevor Project notes that aces commonly put hetero-, homo-, bi- or pan- in front of “romantic” to say who they are drawn to. AUREA calls any pairing that does not match a mixed orientation, or cross-orientation.

Biromantic asexual, panromantic asexual and other ace pairings

A biromantic asexual person wants romance with more than one gender but feels little or no sexual attraction. WebMD describes biromantic asexuals as seeking romantic, but not sexual, relationships across genders. A panromantic asexual person is similar, except gender plays little part in who they fall for.

People often ask whether you can be bisexual and asexual. The Trevor Project’s answer to a teen in that spot is yes. It suggests “biromantic” as a common word for wanting romance with boys and girls without wanting a physical relationship.

Heteroromantic asexual and homoromantic asexual work the same way. A heteroromantic asexual person might be romantically drawn to a different gender, just not sexually. A homoromantic asexual person wants a same-gender partner on the same terms. Our guide to what asexuality is covers the sexual side in more depth.

In a relationship, sex becomes something to talk about rather than assume. WebMD notes that some asexual people enjoy kissing or cuddling, while others want a close bond with no physical side. A large US study found asexual LGB adults were about as likely to be in a romantic relationship as other LGB adults, at 59% versus 61%.

Heteroromantic demisexual and panromantic demisexual

Demisexual people may feel sexual attraction only after a close emotional bond forms. The romantic label then says who that bond tends to form with. You can read more in our guide to demisexuality.

Take a hypothetical woman who dates men and falls for them in the usual way. She feels no sexual pull at all until she is months into a relationship and trust has had time to grow. Heteroromantic demisexual fits her well. A panromantic demisexual person has the same delayed sexual pull, but their romantic interest is not tied to gender.

This differs from demiromantic, which puts the bond requirement on romance itself. Someone can be one, the other, or both.

Mixed orientations outside the ace community

Mixed orientations are not only an ace thing. AUREA lists aromantic pansexual and biromantic heterosexual as examples. A biromantic heterosexual man might feel sexual attraction only to women, yet fall in love with men as well.

Dictionary.com notes that even someone whose life matches social norms could say they are heteroromantic heterosexual. Most never bother, and that is fine. The extra word matters most when the two sides differ.

What community surveys say about how common each label is

No one knows the exact share of people whose romantic and sexual orientations differ. The best data come from asexual people, and even those numbers swing widely between surveys. Three samples show the range.

Why the figures disagree

The spread is wide. Each survey reached a different group. The Frontiers study only recruited people who were already in a romantic relationship. So it was bound to find few aromantic people, at 6.3% against 19% in the AVEN census. A Spanish-language survey from the same year found heteroromantic aces made up almost half its sample.

Where people are recruited shapes the answer too. The Ace Community Survey team found that its ace-focused sample held more grey-romantic and demiromantic people, relative to aromantic people, than aro community surveys did. Online community surveys also reach only people who already use these words.

Outside online ace communities, the data run thin. When the Frontiers study was published, its authors wrote that no nationally representative study had looked at whether asexual people pursue romantic relationships. The Williams Institute study mentioned earlier is a partial exception, but it only reached asexual people who also identify as LGB, and it asked about relationships rather than romantic labels. Data on mixed orientations among people who do feel sexual attraction are thinner again. A survey that asks only one orientation question would simply record a biromantic heterosexual person as straight. The honest summary is that these combinations are common in ace communities, and their wider frequency is unknown.

Telling romantic attraction from platonic attraction and squishes

Sorting a romantic pull from a platonic one is often the hardest part of finding your romantic orientation. Both can feel intense, and both can keep you up at night. Community vocabulary gives each one its own name, which helps. For the wider difference between the two main pulls, see our guide to sexual attraction vs romantic attraction.

Crushes and squishes

A crush, in AUREA’s glossary, is an intense feeling of romantic attraction to one person. A squish is the platonic version: a strong wish to be close friends with someone. UNC’s glossary calls a squish an aromantic crush, a desire for a non-romantic relationship.

Squishes are often brushed off as “just wanting to be friends,” AUREA adds. The word exists because that phrase undersells the feeling. A squish can be every bit as consuming as a crush, even though it points toward a very different kind of bond.

Queerplatonic and alterous: words for the in-between

Not every bond fits either box. A queerplatonic relationship is committed and non-romantic, yet goes past what most people expect from a friendship. Some include sex or gestures that usually read as romantic. UNC notes that some people call such partners “zucchini,” for lack of a better word.

Alterous attraction is a wish for emotional closeness that is not clearly platonic or romantic. Its crush-like form is called a mesh. These are community words rather than research terms, and most people will never need them. They exist for when “friend” feels too small and “partner” feels wrong.

Questions that help sort a feeling

None of these is a test, and the answers may not agree with each other. They are prompts for noticing patterns, not signs that prove anything:

• Do you want to be this person’s partner, or their closest friend?
• If they started dating someone, would you feel loss, or mostly happy for them?
• When you picture the future, do you see a shared home and couple life, or long talks and shared plans?
• Is the pull about them choosing you over others, or about being in their life at all?

None of these feelings is required for romantic attraction, and none proves it. Jealousy can come from friendship or insecurity, plenty of romantic people never want to live with a partner, and wanting to be someone’s first choice can be platonic too. Strength alone will not settle it either. A platonic bond can feel overwhelming, and a romantic one can feel calm. Some people cannot find the line at all, which is part of why a word like alterous was coined. If that is you, the blur itself is useful information.

Questioning your romantic orientation without pressure

If you are not sure what your romantic orientation is, you do not have to decide now. A label is a way to describe a pattern you notice. It is not a box you have to fit before you are allowed to date, or not date. Your identity is yours to name, on your own timeline.

You do not need a label yet

The Trevor Project tells young people they do not have to label themselves until they are ready. It adds that feelings may or may not change over time, and that both are okay. That advice holds for adults too.

It also helps to know that a label does not predict what you will do. UNC points out that orientation and attraction do not define or predict behaviour. A heteroromantic asexual person may or may not have sex. An aromantic person may still want a lifelong partnership. Choosing a word does not lock you into a script.

Some low-pressure ways to notice your pattern:

• Look back at past crushes and close friendships, and note which felt different.
• Notice whether attraction needs a bond first, or appears early.
• Read how people in ace and aro communities describe their feelings, and see what sounds familiar.

When a label shifts

People often move between neighbouring labels. Someone might start with biromantic and later find panromantic fits better. Someone else might realise that what they called grey-romantic is closer to demiromantic, because the feeling always follows a deep bond.

Plenty of people never settle on a romantic label at all. In the 2014 AVEN census, 8.4% of respondents chose no romantic orientation. That is a valid answer as well. Updating a label does not mean the first one was a mistake. It usually means you have more to go on than before.

FAQ: quick answers on aro, ace and mixed labels

What does romantic orientation mean?

Your romantic orientation is your pattern of romantic attraction: which genders, if any, you want to date or fall for. It can match your sexual orientation or differ from it. Some people also call it affectional orientation. Labels such as heteroromantic, biromantic and aromantic describe it.

Can you be romantic and asexual?

Yes. Being asexual means little or no sexual attraction, and it says nothing on its own about romance. The Trevor Project notes that ace people can fall in love and build long-term romantic relationships. Many describe that side with words like heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic or panromantic.

Can you be bisexual and asexual?

Yes, in a sense. The Trevor Project answered this for a teen who felt romantic attraction to boys and girls but did not want a physical relationship. It suggested “biromantic” for that romantic side, with asexual for the sexual side. Some people also use bisexual and asexual together, and that is their call.

Is aromantic the same as asexual?

No. Aromantic describes little or no romantic attraction, while asexual describes little or no sexual attraction. The Trevor Project stresses that an asexual person is not necessarily aromantic. Some people are both, often shortened to aroace, and some are one without the other.

Is a romantic orientation quiz worth taking?

A quiz can prompt reflection, but none can tell you your label. Most online quizzes are informal and have not been checked the way research questionnaires are, and some blur romantic, sexual and platonic attraction together. You will learn more from asking yourself who you picture a life with, and whether a bond has to come first.

Finding words that fit your romantic side

Your romantic orientation describes one real part of you: who you want romance with, and how often that pull appears. When it matches your sexual orientation, you may never need a separate word. When it differs, a pairing like biromantic asexual or heteroromantic demisexual can say in two words what used to take a long talk.

Much of this vocabulary was built by ace and aro communities, and the research behind it is young. The survey numbers come from people who chose to take part, and they vary a lot. That is a reason to hold labels lightly, but it is no reason to doubt what you feel about the people in your life.

If you are sorting out your own feelings, start with the questions above rather than a quiz. Pick the word that fits now, and give yourself room to change it later.

Related reading

• Sexual Attraction vs Romantic Attraction: The Difference, With Examples
• What Is Asexual? The Meaning of Asexuality and Ace Identity
• Demisexual Meaning: Attraction That Grows From an Emotional Bond

Sources

1. Asexuality, Attraction, and Romantic Orientation - UNC-Chapel Hill LGBTQ Center
2. The Evolving Terms of Sexuality And Romantic Attraction - Dictionary.com
3. Affectional orientation definition & meaning - Dictionary.com
4. Splitting Attraction: A History of Discussing Orientation - AUREA
5. Romantic Orientation and the Split Attraction Model are not the same thing - The Ace Theist (Coyote)
6. Asexual & aromantic history - LGBTIQA+ Greens
7. Understanding Asexuality: FAQs and Supportive Resources - The Trevor Project
8. What Is the Split Attraction Model? - ChoosingTherapy.com
9. Biromantic Asexuality: What Does It Mean? - WebMD
10. Attraction and Relationship Terms - AUREA
11. 1.7% of sexual minority adults identify as asexual - Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law
12. Asexual and Ace Spectrum Youth - The Trevor Project
13. A test of the investment model among asexual individuals: The moderating role of attachment orientation - Frontiers in Psychology
14. Identity in the AVEN Census and AVENes Survey of 2014 - The Ace Community Survey
15. aromantic allosexual - The Ace Community Survey