Sexual Attraction vs Romantic Attraction: The Difference, With Examples

Sexual attraction is wanting sexual contact with a particular person. Romantic attraction is wanting a romantic relationship with them: dates, closeness, being a couple. That is the core of sexual attraction vs romantic attraction. For most people the two show up together and aim at the same person, so they feel like a single crush.

They can also come apart. Someone can fall for a person and feel no pull toward sex with them. Someone else can want sex with no wish for romance at all. Both patterns are ordinary, and both have names.

Below, you will find plain definitions, a side-by-side table, the other kinds of attraction people separate out, and the combinations where the two split. There is also a section on why a body response is a different thing from attraction, and some questions to help you sort out what you feel.

Two different pulls toward a person

Sexual attraction: wanting sexual contact with someone

If you want to define sexual attraction in one line, it is a pull toward sexual contact with a specific person. UNC-Chapel Hill’s LGBTQ Center describes it as attraction that makes people want sexual contact with someone, or show sexual interest in them. The word that matters is specific. You can feel it for a partner, a classmate or a stranger on a train, but it always has a target.

So what does sexual attraction mean in daily life? It varies more than people expect. Scarleteen, a sex education site for young people, notes that for some people it feels very physical and closely tied to wanting sex. For others it is quieter. A person can stay attracted to a partner even on days when they have no interest in sex at all. Over time, the feeling can grow to include memories and emotional ties.

Romantic attraction: wanting a relationship with someone

Romantic attraction is the wish to be romantically involved with a person. It tends to look like a crush. You daydream about a first date, replay a conversation, or picture waking up in the same apartment. The pull is toward partnership and closeness rather than sex.

The pattern of whom you feel this for is your romantic orientation. UNC lists labels such as heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic and aromantic, the last meaning no romantic attraction toward any gender. Our guide to romantic orientation walks through each one.

Why the two usually feel like one thing

Among people who feel sexual attraction, sexual and romantic orientation often line up. A straight man is usually sexually and romantically drawn to women, so he never has a reason to pull the feelings apart.

Research suggests they are still two separate experiences. In a 2004 review, psychologist Lisa Diamond argued that sexual desire and romantic love usually travel together but have different biological roots. Desire grew out of mating, while romantic love grew out of the bond between infants and caregivers. Because of that, people can feel one without the other, and the sex someone is sexually drawn to may not limit whom they fall in love with. Diamond also flags a limit: much of the biology comes from animal research, so the human picture is still incomplete.

Romantic vs sexual attraction, side by side

The fastest way to tell romantic vs sexual attraction apart is to ask what the feeling wants to happen next. Smith College’s ace and aro student club defines sexual attraction as wanting sexual contact with someone specific, and romantic attraction as wanting a romantic relationship with someone specific. The table below lays out the difference between romantic and sexual attraction in everyday terms.

The rows show common examples, not proof. Kissing, dates or goodnight texts can come from sexual attraction, romantic attraction, both, or simply habit and affection, so no single behaviour belongs to one kind.

Treat the table as a guide. Real feelings rarely sit neatly in one column, and a single crush can carry some of both.

The two columns also help with a related puzzle: sexuality vs orientation. Sexuality is the broad word for everything to do with your sexual life: body, feelings, identity and behaviour. Orientation is narrower. It names whom you are drawn to, and the split above shows why some people describe a sexual orientation and a romantic orientation separately. UNC adds that orientation does not predict behaviour, so you cannot read someone’s label from what they do.

A quick way to use the table: picture the person, then remove one option. If sex is off the table and you still want the dates, the pull is at least partly romantic. If romance is off the table and you still want them physically, it is at least partly sexual.

Aesthetic, sensual and platonic attraction

Some pulls toward a person are neither sexual nor romantic. Ace and aro communities have names for several of them, and knowing the words can clear up a feeling that fits neither column above:

• Aesthetic attraction is enjoying how someone looks without wanting to act on it. The Smith College club compares it to looking at a nice painting. Asexuality New Zealand Trust adds that it can be a response to someone’s clothes or style.
• Sensual attraction is wanting non-sexual touch, such as hugging, cuddling or a hand on the arm. It can come with romance or sex, or be purely platonic.
• Platonic attraction is wanting a close friendship with one specific person. A platonic crush is often called a squish.
• Emotional attraction is wanting to know someone because of their personality. UNC notes it shows up in most relationships, from friendships to romances.

These can stack in any order. Suppose you meet someone at a party who is striking to look at, fun to talk to, and whom you would happily hug goodbye. You might feel aesthetic, emotional and sensual attraction with no romantic or sexual interest at all.

The New Zealand Trust points out that these forms can matter a lot to aromantic people, because most people get physical closeness mainly through romantic or sexual partners. It also admits the definitions are disputed and no single version covers everyone.

When they split: asexual, aromantic and other combinations

Aromantic vs asexual: the difference in one line

What is the difference between aromantic and asexual? Asexual describes little or no sexual attraction, while aromantic describes little or no romantic attraction. One label is about sex, the other about romance. UNC’s point is that one label does not decide the other, so a person can be asexual, aromantic, both, or neither. That is different from saying the two are statistically unrelated: for many people they do line up, and you cannot infer someone’s romantic orientation from their sexual one, or the reverse.

People who are both often call themselves aroace. Psychology writer Bella DePaulo, summarising Yale sociologist Hannah Tessler’s research, sets out the three combinations: asexual romantic, aromantic sexual, and aromantic asexual. If asexuality itself is new to you, our explainer on what asexuality is covers the basics.

Romantic without sexual attraction

A romantic asexual person feels little or no sexual attraction but still gets crushes, dates and may want a long-term partner. The Trevor Project explains that aces commonly add hetero-, homo-, bi- or pan- to “romantic” to say whom they are drawn to. A heteroromantic asexual woman, for example, may be romantically drawn to men without sexual attraction to them.

This is a large share of ace people, though estimates differ. In a 2021 PLOS ONE study, 24.4% of the asexual participants identified as aromantic, which leaves about three in four who did not. That sample held only 42 asexual people. Tessler’s larger survey of 2,340 American adults on the asexual spectrum found 34 percent were also aromantic and 66 percent were romantic. Tessler’s surveys used convenience samples, and the PLOS ONE sample was small, so treat both sets of numbers as rough. The direction is the same either way: most asexual people in these studies were not aromantic.

Sexual without romantic attraction

The reverse pattern is allosexual aromantic, often shortened to allo-aro. Aro Worlds, an aromantic community group, describes it as being on the aromantic spectrum while feeling sexual attraction. Allo-aro people can be straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual or pansexual in whom they find sexually appealing. The group also warns that calling allo-aros asexual erases part of who they are.

In Tessler’s survey of 1,347 American adults on the aromantic spectrum, 55 percent were aromantic and sexual, and 45 percent were also asexual. So being aromantic says nothing on its own about interest in sex.

Aromantic people still build close bonds. Some form queerplatonic relationships, which the Trevor Project describes as non-romantic bonds with an emotional intensity beyond a typical friendship. In Tessler’s interviews, 68 percent of the aromantic asexual people said their ideal future meant living near or with friends.

The split attraction model and its critics

The split attraction model is the habit of naming sexual and romantic attraction separately instead of using one label for both. AVEN credits it with helping some people name separate attractions, such as “heteroromantic asexual”. Self-Defined, a community dictionary, gives another case: a bisexual person may feel romantic attraction to some genders and sexual attraction to others.

Sociologist Canton Winer interviewed 77 people under the asexuality umbrella and found split attraction common in ace spaces, yet barely studied. One man he interviewed called himself “asexual bisexual,” meaning asexual in sexual attraction and bisexual in romantic attraction. Winer suspects the model took root among ace people because one-word labels fit them badly, while other people with mismatched feelings can reach for words like bisexual or pansexual.

Not everyone wants it. The Smith College club notes that many, but not all, ace and aro people use the model. Some find their attractions too tangled to separate, and the club’s own glossary includes a label for people who struggle to tell attraction types apart. If splitting your feelings into two names helps, use it. If it feels like a test, you can set it aside.

Attraction vs arousal vs desire

A body response on its own does not tell you whom you are attracted to. Attraction points at a person, desire is a general appetite for sex, and arousal is what the body does. The three often arrive together, which is why they get mixed up.

Desire: a drive that need not point at anyone

Desire, also called libido or sex drive, is a general interest in sexual activity. It can show up while you are thinking of nobody in particular. Attraction is different because it has a target.

That gap is how an asexual person can still have a libido. AVEN, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, says that for some asexual people arousal is fairly regular, yet it comes with no wish for a sexual partner. Some masturbate and still have no interest in partnered sex, while others have little or no arousal at all. Both groups are asexual, AVEN explains, because orientation is about attraction toward other people rather than body reactions.

The same logic separates asexuality from low libido. AVEN notes that hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or HSDD, involves distress about low desire, while asexuality is an orientation. If a loss of interest in sex bothers you, AVEN suggests talking to a doctor. Neither experience is lesser than the other; they are simply different questions.

When the body reacts but the heart does not

The Smith College club defines sexual arousal as a physical event that may be completely disconnected from what a person wants. AVEN gives everyday examples: arousal linked to hormone changes during the menstrual cycle, or erections at certain times of day. None of those involves another person.

Lab research also shows that body and mind can disagree. A 2010 meta-analysis led by psychologist Meredith Chivers pooled 134 studies with more than 2,500 women and 1,900 men. It compared how aroused people said they felt with their measured genital response. Men’s reports tended to match their body response, while women’s reports and body responses were less aligned.

The practical point is simple. A flush, a racing heart or a genital response in someone’s presence does not settle whether you are attracted to them. Attraction is about wanting something with a particular person, and arousal can happen with or without that wish.

Working out what you feel

There is no test that can tell you what you feel. AVEN says outright that no test can determine whether someone is asexual, and that a label is just a word people use to understand themselves. Questions work better than quizzes because they let you notice patterns over weeks or months.

Questions to ask yourself

Think of one specific person, then try these:

• When I picture being close to them, what is the scene: a date, a long hug, a deep conversation, or sex?
• If sex were ruled out for good, would I still want to spend my evenings with them?
• If a relationship were ruled out, would I still want them physically?
• Did this feeling appear quickly, or only after I knew them well?
• Do I feel this way about many people, a few, or almost nobody?

Your answers may point in different directions, and that is useful information too. Someone who wants the dates but not the sex is describing romantic attraction without sexual attraction. A pull that only appears after a deep bond may fit demisexuality, which we cover in what demisexuality is.

If you feel no attraction to anyone

What is it called when you are not attracted to anyone? If you feel no sexual attraction, the usual word is asexual. If you feel no romantic attraction, it is aromantic, and people who feel neither often say aroace. UNC stresses that asexuality is an orientation and not a medical condition, and that sexual attraction is not needed to be healthy.

DePaulo’s column repeats a tweet aimed at people who find asexuality hard to grasp. Think of someone you feel nothing for, it suggests, then imagine feeling that way about everyone. Many people in the ace and aro spectrums sit in between, feeling attraction rarely or only in certain conditions. The asexual spectrum labels guide covers those in-between words.

Labels can change, and support is available

Some people find their feelings shift over time, and some never do. A U.S. study followed 13,840 young people aged 12 to 25 and tracked how often their orientation label changed. Change was low across the whole group but noticeably higher among sexual-minority youth. The study measured labels rather than attraction, so it only hints at how feelings themselves move.

The Trevor Project tells young people that their feelings may or may not change, that either is okay, and that they do not need a label until they are ready. It also offers counseling for LGBTQ+ young people 24/7. AVEN runs the largest online asexual community and welcomes people who are still questioning. An LGBTQ+-affirming therapist is another option if the questions feel heavy.

Frequently asked questions

Can you be romantic without being sexual?

Yes. A romantic asexual person can feel crushes, fall in love and want a partner while feeling little or no sexual attraction. AVEN notes that many asexual people also feel sensual or aesthetic attraction, which can show up as wanting to cuddle or hug. According to UNC, an asexual person may still choose to have sex for various reasons. Others prefer not to. Each couple works out what suits them.

Is physical attraction different to sexual attraction?

Often, yes. “Physical attraction” is a loose everyday phrase rather than a defined term. People may use it for aesthetic attraction, which the Smith College glossary describes as enjoying how someone looks, or sensual attraction, which it describes as wanting non-sexual touch. Neither has to involve wanting sex. Thinking a celebrity is beautiful, or wanting to hug a close friend, can be physical without being sexual. Sexual attraction is the specific wish for sexual contact with that person.

Does sexual attraction mean love?

No. Sexual attraction is about wanting sexual contact, while love and romantic attraction are about wanting closeness and partnership. Diamond’s review argues the two are distinct experiences that people can feel separately. You can want sex with someone you do not love, and love someone you do not want sexually. Many relationships still hold both, and one can grow alongside the other.

Can you be both asexual and aromantic?

Yes. People who feel little or no sexual and romantic attraction often call themselves aroace. UC Santa Barbara’s resource center points out that some asexual people are aromantic, but not all. In Tessler’s survey of the aromantic spectrum, 45 percent were also asexual. Aroace people may still have deep friendships, queerplatonic partners and chosen family.

Can physical attraction develop over time?

It depends which kind you mean. Finding someone more good-looking or more huggable as you get to know them is common. Sexual attraction can also arrive late: demisexual people feel it only once a strong emotional connection forms. Scarleteen also notes that attraction to a long-term partner can change shape, becoming less purely physical and more tied to shared history. If your attraction tends to arrive late, you are not doing anything wrong.

Naming what you feel

Put simply, sexual attraction is wanting sexual contact with someone. Romantic attraction is wanting a relationship with them. Desire is a general drive that may not point at anyone, and arousal is a body response that can happen without either.

Most of the time these pieces move together, so the difference only becomes visible when they split. A romantic asexual person, an allo-aro person and someone who is romantically drawn to more genders than they are sexually drawn to are all describing that split. None of them is broken, and none needs fixing.

The words in this guide are tools for explaining yourself to a partner, a friend or just yourself. Keep the ones that fit. If a label stops fitting later, you can drop it, and AVEN’s community is open to people still working it out.

Related reading

• Romantic Orientation Explained: Biromantic, Panromantic and More
• What Is Asexual? The Meaning of Asexuality and Ace Identity
• Demisexual Meaning: Attraction That Grows From an Emotional Bond

Sources

1. Asexuality, Attraction, and Romantic Orientation - LGBTQ Center, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
2. What does sexual attraction feel like? - Scarleteen
3. Emerging Perspectives on Distinctions Between Romantic Love and Sexual Desire - Association for Psychological Science (Current Directions in Psychological Science; Lisa M. Diamond)
4. Definitions - Asexual & Aromantic Community and Education Club, Smith College
5. Forms of non-sexual and non-romantic attraction - Asexuality New Zealand Trust
6. How Asexuals and Aromantics Create Intimacy and Family - Psychology Today (Bella DePaulo, Living Single)
7. Understanding Asexuality: FAQs & Supportive Resources - The Trevor Project
8. Cognitive processing of sexual cues in asexual individuals and heterosexual women with desire/arousal difficulties - PLOS ONE (Brown, Peragine, VanderLaan, Kingstone and Brotto)
9. Allo-Aro 101 - Aro Worlds
10. Overview - The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)
11. Split Attraction Model (SAM) - Self-Defined
12. The Split Attraction Model - Canton Winer, PhD (Northern Illinois University)
13. Sexual responses differ for women and men, new Queen’s study shows - Queen’s University via EurekAlert! (Chivers et al., Archives of Sexual Behavior)
14. Stability and Change in Self-Reported Sexual Orientation Identity in Young People: Application of Mobility Metrics - Archives of Sexual Behavior (Ott, Corliss, Wypij, Rosario and Austin)
15. Asexual/Aromantic - Resource Center for Sexual & Gender Diversity, UC Santa Barbara